It's been a really, really tough day today emotionally, because I met Iain for the first time since he left me. We went to the solicitor's and the courthouse, we had a long, heart-wrenching talk afterwards, and then we took the first steps in the process of putting the house that we built together on the market. This evening we both need a whole heap of hugs. Thing is, of course, that Iain's going to get them and I'm not. Yep, you've guessed it, self pity has well and truly kicked in!
I recognise that Iain is grieving the end of our relationship as well, and he's also got a big pile of guilt to deal with over the way it ended, which I don't have, of course, but he has a new best friend to lean on, and I've lost mine. And when you're going through a break up you need a best friend more than anything else in the world.
I do have a substitute best friend, though. The day after the bombshell dropped I bought myself a journal. Whenever I've felt like talking to someone about things, I write in that. I know that a lined exercise book is no substitute for a loving human being, but the journal does have a few advantages going for it. It doesn't care if I talk to it for hours at a time, I can reveal absolutely anything to it, even my most unsavoury thoughts, and intimate facts about our relationship which I'd never burden a real person with, and it's available for me instantly, at any time of the day or night. Writing these blog posts is therapeutic, too.
I think the financial side of things is going to be tricky (isn't it always?) When Iain left he said I could have the house, and he'd just take any goods and chattels he wanted. At the time I thought 'that sounds more than fair', but after some thought, (huh- who am I kidding? - I can't think straight right now) and after talking to some friends, I decided that having to sell the house and all its contents would be too much of a burden, particularly as I'm very keen to move back to the UK as soon as possible. I need to start my new life as soon as I can, because the long-term contract I was working on was curtailed two days before Iain left me, which means that instead of having enough work to last me until the end of the year I now have none at all.
Anyway, I then told Iain I wanted him to buy me out my half of the house so that I've got enough money to bugger off. I explained he could then sell the house at his leisure or rent it out to cover the mortgage. Unfortunately, he's not prepared to do this (or maybe the OW isn't prepared to do this; I'm guessing this is the more likely explanation). So we've come up with a Plan C, which is that we keep the house deeds as they are, in both our names, and put the wheels in motion in order to sell it as quickly as we can, at a knock-down price. I really, really hope Plan C works.
Anyway, on the subject of the house, I've been taking estate-agent style photos of it today, so I thought I'd post a few on here. It is supposed to be a photo blog, right?!